After All This Time

Wow, it's been a while since I've written anything. Took me a while to remember the old login info too. Had to finally get my hands back on a laptop again. I was telling myself that it had only been 3 years since I last had a laptop in my hands but judging from these posts, it looks closer to 4 years since my old laptop died on me.

The goal was to find some of my old stories. It's been years since I've written anything. Whether in a diary or as a story. I've missed it.

I haven't read through everything yet but man, it's almost crazy how much I've changed over the years. I'm almost a completely different person now. Grief and loss will do that to a person I guess. I lost enough to realize that what I needed was to grow up. The only person who would handle my shit is myself. Different life, different living situation, different perspectives, different everything. Granted, some hasn't changed, no denying that, but so much more has.

I remember some of what I was feeling writing those old posts. I haven't read through all so I'm sure that there's a lot of deep hurt feelings that have passed and I no longer feel them. There's a lot I don't feel the same about, such as my own self worth. Lots of pity me there. I guess I didn't know what to do with what all I was feeling. Which makes sense. I wasn't ever really taught how. Luckily as an adult, mostly post-college, I worked on teaching myself and be serious about the help that I needed.

I wish I wrote more when Dad passed. It would've definitely helped me remember the months after his death. I feel those were some formative months, losing him created the biggest change within myself. Everything else before his passing now feels irrelevant. Small, trivial, nothing compared to the larger picture.

Even still, despite all the change that's been made, it all still seems small in comparison to the bigger picture. The only difference is that I feel like I'm actually getting started, that I'm exactly where I need to be. I can't and shouldn't spill too much while I'm here. I still have a bunch of reading to do and hopefully a shit ton more writing. All the while keeping in mine that my dad had told me to write it all down, my thoughts and feelings, because they are important. I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to writing that book that he had always felt I could write, that I use to believe I could write, but I'll do my best to keep writing and see where it goes.

Censor?

come on, censor me. come on, I dare you. you can't censor me, you can't keep me silent and I'm sorry that I have been silent before. I know that I can't keep quiet forever because that is just not how God made me. He made me to speak when needed, sometimes it's for a laugh, sometimes it's for being uplifting, serious or numerous things. I do what I can to help all those who come near me, regardless. can you say the same Mr. Government? can you say that you try to help others without thinking of yourself and your office? I'm tired of the lies and I'm tired of the control. the Government is too big and is in EVERYTHING we do. we are to be apart of politics, not have the politics be apart of us like a tumor. we should not have to be pushed around by our Government being apart of everything we do, watching, waiting, planning more. STOP censoring us and trying to fix us if you don't have half of your own crap fixed. it's like what Jesus said, don't get on your brother about the splinter in his eye when you have a whole plank in yours. Mr. Government, fix yourself before you try to fix the people. yes, the people need help but if you're worthless then you can't be of much help now can you Mr. Government?

love

first comes the love, then comes the want to change. remember that preachers. you cannot simply just have us change our ways because you will us too. we ourselves must want the change. give us the love and space to do that. that is why God gave us free will. what makes you think you are better than our God?

you know, life is kinda funny that way.

you know, life is funny. yes, there are things that happen in your life that make it difficult and will have you wonder if it's worth living. I know that you will question yourself, life, and the meaning of all things. the answer? well, that's the funny thing about life, you yourself actually have to find the answer. people can give us the answer on a silver platter but unless we find it ourselves or experience it for ourselves, we won't even have a clue to understand. there are those who just accept the answer of life like they would a piece of cake but others like myself want to find out how the cake is made and how we could make it for others. we also have to be careful because some people are allergic to chocolate, or dairy, or wheat or are diabetic or any other numerous things. in the end, it's still cake but it has to be made for each person differently. I know that me talking of cake must make you hungry but I'm hoping that you see my point. maybe... possibly?

life is funny because after all the crap that you live and go through you have to be strong enough to push through. if you are able to push through you find one answer to the many questions we have of life. we must never stop believing and we must always have faith. if you can have the slightest faith in yourself who sometimes fails, it is easier to have a faith in One Who never fails. and no, this was not originally a "religious" thing but it should be known that this is what I know and believe.

you can't go through life hating, that gets tiresome and expected and eventually lonely. you can't assume that what worked for you will work for another. you can't say that, we are all different and have been made differently. any who choose to be the same as the other have made that choice, the choice to be common. so you all know, I have tried to be common, I have tried to be what others wanted instead of being myself. and guess what? I hated it, I hated myself, and I hated those who tried to force me into a mold that I could never fit. but guess what? I got tired of the hating. I have realized that I am who I am and I can't change who I am because someone wills me too. I don't hate those people anymore, I don't hate myself and I have accepted that the whole thing had happened and I've put it behind be because it's just a previous chapter in my life. I'm in a new chapter where I have all new possibilities and better chances than I ever had.

I have been given the basics and now I must learn how to use them and upgrade and sometimes I have to start from scratch because everything changes and I must adapt to each path I take in life. you know, life is really kinda funny. who knew I'd have so many doors open to me now when they were all shut in my face before? 'tis a blessing it is.

New Years?

didn't need to have a resolution, this year is already better than I could ever expect. what a great way to start off 2012. just saying, I could be wrong. maybe now I can allow myself to actually date. *gasp!* I think that I'm officially ready for it. I've been able to do all these incredible things by myself without some guy. know I know what to look for. he will not control me, he will have some sort of patience and he will be loving and supporting. if he can't handle that then forget him, I'll move on and let nothing hold me back. now, I won't JUMP into a relationship but I will leave myself open enough to be willing to try. I'm ready. I have a lead in a play, I have great classes, I have a lot of things going for me, even a possible internship for my major which is THEATRE!!! I'm ready. even more than I ever thought I would be. this is amazing! thank you God, You made this possible for me. can't forget where and to Whom the credit belongs too. thanks for that.

BAHAHAHA!!!!

so, how is it that I've been telling people things about dating for the longest time but the only way to get people to listen is to get two guys in their twenties to tell you this THEN you get it? like I don't know my shit. just saying.

New Years Resolution?

I would like to lose weight and be in shape.
I would also like to work on my relationship with God cause as it stands right now... I don't have much of one with Him.