After All This Time

Wow, it's been a while since I've written anything. Took me a while to remember the old login info too. Had to finally get my hands back on a laptop again. I was telling myself that it had only been 3 years since I last had a laptop in my hands but judging from these posts, it looks closer to 4 years since my old laptop died on me.

The goal was to find some of my old stories. It's been years since I've written anything. Whether in a diary or as a story. I've missed it.

I haven't read through everything yet but man, it's almost crazy how much I've changed over the years. I'm almost a completely different person now. Grief and loss will do that to a person I guess. I lost enough to realize that what I needed was to grow up. The only person who would handle my shit is myself. Different life, different living situation, different perspectives, different everything. Granted, some hasn't changed, no denying that, but so much more has.

I remember some of what I was feeling writing those old posts. I haven't read through all so I'm sure that there's a lot of deep hurt feelings that have passed and I no longer feel them. There's a lot I don't feel the same about, such as my own self worth. Lots of pity me there. I guess I didn't know what to do with what all I was feeling. Which makes sense. I wasn't ever really taught how. Luckily as an adult, mostly post-college, I worked on teaching myself and be serious about the help that I needed.

I wish I wrote more when Dad passed. It would've definitely helped me remember the months after his death. I feel those were some formative months, losing him created the biggest change within myself. Everything else before his passing now feels irrelevant. Small, trivial, nothing compared to the larger picture.

Even still, despite all the change that's been made, it all still seems small in comparison to the bigger picture. The only difference is that I feel like I'm actually getting started, that I'm exactly where I need to be. I can't and shouldn't spill too much while I'm here. I still have a bunch of reading to do and hopefully a shit ton more writing. All the while keeping in mine that my dad had told me to write it all down, my thoughts and feelings, because they are important. I'm not sure if I'll ever get around to writing that book that he had always felt I could write, that I use to believe I could write, but I'll do my best to keep writing and see where it goes.